Category: Let's talk
Firstly. I'll only be here Mondays and Wednesdays for about ten weeks. Now that out of the way I have a holiday with a difference this year. In March, My girlfriends dad and bro came to take her back to Bermuda from here because they disaprooved of our relationship and during a phone conversation with them I made it very clear that they would have no influence in our relationships development. Anyway, I worked 27 hours nonestop vertually continuously that weekend to rescue Tmara from her relatives who were holding her against her will. The college were unhelpful because they had their reputation to protect and that was more important to protect than Tmara to them. Anyway, She was returned on Sunday after been rescued the Saturday. She was glad to be back at college.The college disaprooved of my actions but I knew I was right and knew that if I didn't do what I did, she wouldn't be a free person. BTW she's 20. Her parents who are seventh-day-adventists were very upset with our actions but we cared as much about that as they did about Tmara been upset at being taken out of college. College staff were very unsupportive and weren't happy about her staying with me at easter or last halfterm. They wwanted to put her into care but realising they had no chance abandoned the idea. Tmara's parents won't fund her despite the fact that it is essential for her to develop her maths, mobility and living skills which are very poor. They funded her this year but won't next year because of our relationship. I have to sort out what happens when I return in September and I have to make sure Tmara can have a deesent enough life while I'm gone. My family have been very helpful. The college have done absolutely nothing, and we're pursuing the remaining options for Tmara's funding though I won't reveal those yet.
Oh I forgot to say that before this problem happened, Tmara was also a seventh-day-adventist who didn't believe in sex before marriage, didn't drink, didn't wear julery, didn't wear perfume, revealing clothes or makeup and was vegetarian. Now she's an atheist and she drinks, has sex, eats meet, wears perfume, julery and makeup. She's also wore revealing clothing and is a lot more like people her age now instead of some sheltered innocent little girl.
wow, that's some major shit. As I know her, I can comment in a personal way. I expected that of her parents, without a doubt I saw this coming, I didn't think it would be this severe but still. It's rediculess, as is my spelling but anyways, she's 20, ffs. Anyways, good luck with funding, Bermuda the the UK is not a pleasant funding experience for colleges, trust me I know. Good luck to you both. Also wayne, I respect you for doing what you did for her, you must truly care for her, that's cool.
Thanks.
Eeehm, so that's really impressive is it. If e.g. she becomes a pregnant alcoholic in the fall you will have "liberated her" from the "evils of religion" and brought her to a "better life". Sure her parents were a little on the extreme side and my friend at work is dealing with similar issues but I don't see how you haven taken away her funding for college, mae her dependent on you and got her into sex and drinking and meat eeating has been the most amazing converting feat of all time and I really honnestly don't know whether this is good or bad for her. I think she may have gone too far and she's your responsibility now man.
If you abandon her now or cause her not to finish college I can't congratulate you in any way. And I don't see why you need to see this as cruisade against religion either, after all ifherparents had been e.g.alcoholics they or she would never have had the chance to go to college. I think she was definitely in a too strict household and she needed some more moderation in her life but, as I said, you better take good care ofher and provide her with what her parents would've provided her, else what you did to her might destroy her. So, that being said man, I wish you guys all the best and hope this will have the happiest ending.
cheers
-B
I still say brilliant, anyone converted away from it is good enough for me. she shouldn't ever have been sheltered like that. Another athiest joins the ranks!
Well, speaking from a woman's point of view, I really think that you guys should reconsider your actions. It may be too late but the two of you should talk things over again and make sure this is what you both really want!!! I've gone through the same thing and I've realized that acting rashly has caused a lot of pain to ourselves and to those around us. Sure. She's changed. But are you sure that it isn't just to impress you??? Are you sure she's happy about who and what she is now??? You speak about having to make sure her life is okay when you are gone as if she is a baby needing to be taken care of!!! The way I see it, you are just another figure in which she can shelter behind; just like her parents were!!! Did she choose to go with you and leave her parents??? Are you sure that it wasn't pressure from you that drove her to it??? I'm not trying to be mean or anything... But this is life that you are talking about!!! Major major decisions!!! You also stated that she really needs help with mobility and living skills. This doesn't sound to me like a very independent woman!!! Are you sure you want to be with someone who can't even take care of herself??? Do you always want to be taking care of her??? Well, maybe you do!!! Some guys do like to dominate their women!!! Besides, what if you two break up one day??? Are her parents willing to accept her back with open arms as well as the baby that you guys might have??? Wayne!!! Please please think about all of these things and reconsider!!! I know that you love her and all but are you sure that this is really the best for her??? I have a strong suspition that all this has gone through one ear and out of the other but it's worth a try anyway. I've noticed that you and I agree on most things by reading your board posts so I am hoping that you will at least give what I wrote some thought!!! However, if the two of you are sure that you are ready to come through with your decisions, then the best of luck to the two of you!!!
*sexy*
Sexy, thanks, this is what I was trying to say but you put it a lot better than I could + you've actually gone through similar experiences whereas I, fortunately, never have been in this position and prefer my own independence and to be with those that I feel are able to take careof me as well as me being able to take care of them. To me that is a really important feature and also I feel it is very importan that a girl likes me for who I am and vice versa. I would not want to change my partner or turn her life upside down by being with ehr even if I perceived my influence to be a good one. Some change is always necessary but I think what ww is describing here goes a lot beyond healthy.
Cheers
-B
Well, this is such a difficult situation but there are so many issues here. SG has already highlighted a number of them but I do think you do need to think seriously about what you’re doing. Firstly, why did this girl decide to break away from her parents? Was it because her parents disapproved of your relationship? Or was she going to do it anyway but didn’t have the strength to do it? Further more, as sg has already said, if she is unable to look after herself are you happy for her to be reliant on you for everything? Surely that is just transferring responsibility from her parents to yourself and still this girl seems to have little say in what she does with her life. And as it seems that she is not coming with you for the holidays where is she staying? And why can’t she go with you to wherever it is you’re going? You have taken on the responsibility to look after a girl, yes she might be 20 but it sounds to me like she doesn’t have any independence and therefore is unable to cope on her own, so having saved her from her parents, surely you should be there for her at all times? Furthermore, as she’s from Bermuda I’m guessing that she’s in this country on a student visa, in which case, if she is unable to return to college next year her visa will not be valid and she will therefore be here illegally. How do you stand on that issue, are you prepared to marry her in order that she can stay here? And bearing in mind, you should marry her because you want to, because you love her so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, not just so that she doesn’t have to return to Bermuda. At the moment you’re saying you don’t know how she will cope for the summer without you there, so how will she survive for the next 50 years, with no family support. “rescuing” someone from their family is one major step, and one which some take without considering all the consequences. By doing this, you have inadvertently become her family, are you prepared for that?
And how/why do you say she was kid napped, surely you got her back (and I doubt that you got her back by means of a machine gun and 15 specially trained secret service agents) and her parents surely lived in another country so how exactly do you define "kid napped" and after having rescued her so magnificently you go on vacation and leave her. And, finally, if her parents pay her college tuition in full for her plus flights how in the world do you expect them to believe it when you say she's being oppressed by her parents and that they should do something about it?
Cheers
-B
Well, if this girl had no freedom, her parents would hardly have sent her to a foreign country, on her own, where she might fall under the influence of free minded people like yourself.
lol, when I read the first post I wasn't sure if he was talking about a kid, a baby, or someones dog, he made it sound so much like he did this for her, and he was going to do this, and she needed this, and that! having someone totally depend on you isn't a good thing! It might seem like at 20 that limberating her from all that is the cool thing to do but later on you might not think so! time will tell!
Well, I think both sides have some true points. I mean, converting someone is good, even though I can#t agree on the religious point, however, there is a limit on that too. I mean, there are also too religious people. Second, I think it is great that you help her, but you still may have to make sure that she is independent enough if you are gone one day.
I'm not making Tmara's decisions for her she does that for herself. I am sure this is what she wants because I have put it to her that she may have disassociated from Christianity just to ploease me and she definitely hasn't. She won't become pregnant because I'm a responsible person and woukldn't be stupid enough to get her pregnant. Her dad and brother took her from college against her will and police did free her. She has a British passport Bermuda is a British colony. Tmara will be able to look after herself if her funding is resumed we are taking measures to make sure that happens. She did stay with me in the last two holidays and stays with me now. Though she drinks, she doesn't often, just occasionally and I don't think she'll become an alcoholic. If I was to leave her which I won't, she would stay in this country she wouldn't go bacdk to the religious nutcases who raised her. Tmara realised that she needed to change when she didn't fit in with anyone because she had very few similarities to them. I was responsible enough to help her change for the better. We realise the seriouslness of the situation we have to deal with, but we didn't create it, her parents did. We're the victims of their behaviour and this all started because they disapproved of our erelationship and thought they could make Tmara's decisions! They pulled her out of school in America because they couldn't find any people of their religion to look after her. NO responsible parent takes away their childs chance to be independent, especially not twice! I am providing Tmara with all the help she needs and so are my family. Being free isn't a crime, it's something to be proud of. Tmara has flashbacks of what her parents did, and isw still getting over it. Being unnecessarily restricted though is unacceptable and I'm so glad that Tmara has as much freedom as all adults should!
Well then I am glad for you both and hope all will go well.
best of luck to you wayne.
I really appreciate what you did, it is really good.
Okay. At least I can say I tried. lol!!!
*sexy*
Why, MIchelle? I mean, if he says she wants it, that he asked her ... then it is all right, I think.
Well all of what I did would not have been possible if Tmara was totally against it.
Well, people can be persuaded to do anything and if you have sex with her you are running the risk ofher getting pregnant, whatever protection you use, you can lower the chances significantly but you should at leeast consider the eventuality that she did gt pregnant. So, like I said before, she's in your hands now, you better take good care ofher because you've helpd her wreck her family ties and funding, whether that's what she wanted and you helped her or whether you persuaded her to do it is none of my judgement.
I don't think that Wayne persuaded her. I am sure she has her own will and I am sure she wanted to do that. I think only her family acted against her will.
Her funding isn't actually totally wrecked. There are on-going nigotiations about it. Now if Tmara got pregnant she'd have an abbortion and she told me that becausxe I wouldn't have sex with her otherwise because of the risk.
There, I see, I have the impression that you both are responsible enough.
Ouch, well different strokes of different folks. I would not have sex with a girl unless I knew I would be happy with her having a baby. If a girl I slept with got pregnant I would want her to have the child and care for it and I would hope I'd be close enough to her so that I would be happy getting married before the child comes into this world and I'd raise it with the girl as responsible parents. To me if you can't see yourself havinga child with a girl, don't sleep with her.
cheers
-B
Ah I see, “she’ll have an abortion”. Well that is so easy to say before the event, but what if she got pregnant, and faced with the actual reality that she has a baby growing inside her, she finds that she is unable, or unwilling to terminate the pregnancy? It’s easy to say before the event that this is what you will do, but if you are faced with the actual situation it’s not always that simple to follow it through. After all, you said that it was you who helped her get away from her parents, to change her life … etc, so it would seem that she is not such a strong person. And having something like a termination is a decision that only the woman can make, no one can talk her into it, because it is something that can’t be reversed, and a decision which the woman could regret for the rest of her life. If you talked this girl into having a termination she could resent you for it for the rest of her life. I agree with b, if you’re not prepared to have a baby, then you shouldn’t be having sex.
People who have no intention of having kids often sleep with eachother and shag each other. They use protection to prevent them from having kids, so they can have sex purely for pleasure. There's nothing wrong with that at all! Tmara told me before we had sex that she would have an abbortion if she got pregnant. I wouldn't have sex with her otherwise and my position on that issue was made very clear to her. If she did change her mind whilst been pregnant, then we'd take the conseqneces of her decision. She won't be pushed into having an abbortion. It would be in our best interests that she have an abbortion or take the morning after pill if she discovered she was pregnant in time. Neither of us want kids so obviously it's the right thing to do. Obviously a baby will be lost in the process but it was made by accident and wasn't wanted anyway, so it doesn't matter that it isn't going to be born. There's nothing wrong with talking someone into something. It happens quite often and there's no law prohibiting it, not even in abbortion cases. The relationship consists of 2 people, both are entitled to a say in all decisions which affect a relationship. If the woman acts selfishly by not having an abbortion when she told the man she would and when the man wanted her to, she can't blame the man if he acts selfishly by leaving her.
Wow, but you obviously find it wrong when someone is talked into following a religion but not into having sex, getting pregnant and then being left by the person who got you pregnant, wow, amazing logic there my friend, what can I say. My views on this one are drastically different from yours but we're all entitled to vies so that's ok but, gosh, I would not advise any of my fremale friends to date you based on that idiology I must say.
cheers
-B
Well they have to want sex before they get it in my oppinion. Anyway just posting here to say that Tmara has almost certainly got her secvond year now. Her parents are seeing sense thanks to nigotiations.